There is no right or wrong way to pleasure yourself, because sex is not about the best techniques available on the market. Don’t get deceived by what you see in porn, media or whatever someone else says (including me).
Sexuality is individual as we are, no one can understand your body better than you. Self-loving allows us to figure out what we like, what turns us on, what is our sexual fingerprint.
Self-pleasure teaches us how to be intimate, creates a deeper connection with our being, and it is one of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves and partners (letting your partner watch you touch yourself is incredibly sexy).
The secret of having blissful sex is mastering sex with yourself.
I am going to tell you what works for me to get inspired, but I dare you to find your own style. Explore your body till you know every corner of it, it craves for your touch. I love sex, and I think you would like it too.
When we are horny to live life, we are horny to have sex.
Relax
This is a vital part because relaxation and attention are the ways to orgasm. No worries, no drama, no bills, no stress, no taking yourself seriously when masturbating.
My partner adores me when I am relaxed because I can be entirely in my spontaneity. A joyful woman who has fun and laugh a lot.
I love to take a bath before and play with water feeling it on my skin, legs, back, breast, clitoris… or I start dancing, releasing that erotic female trapped inside.
Hint: Create an atmosphere tantalizing your senses, call it a sacred space. Bedroom or bathroom is clean, sexy and inviting, candles are on, in harmony with music, flowers or essentials oils to delight you. Laptop, phone, TV are out.
Time
Self-loving is a commitment to myself, I need an uninterrupted session, at least 30 minutes, the more, the better. Imagine the killer of the mood when mum or boss calls you in the middle. (I’m turned on by the idea to be caught, but that’s just a thought).
This is your moment, your space and your body.
The journey of the body’s discovery
I didn’t receive a proper education in the anatomy of my yoni (Sanskrit word for female genitals), so when my first sexual partner asked me how I would like to be touched or what I wanted, I was speechless, I replied, “just continue what you are doing.” It took me years to realize that this is my body, my vulva, and we should become friends.
I get naked more often. Not jumping straight to take a shower, but taking the time to observe my curves in front of a mirror. The first time at a nudist beach in Spain, I got so excited from my nude body exposed to the sun in an opened space that I had to jump into the chilly sea many times to cool down as I was totally wet and didn’t want anybody to notice it.
Being comfortable in my own skin gives me confidence and freedom.
I was proud of my butt, but not my breasts. They are small, steady though, like two peaches ready to be eaten. Falling in love with them took time and inner work. Aha moment came when I realized that I couldn’t receive any pleasure if I continue to criticize, judge or compare them to other fruits out there.
Hello vulva, it’s your turn now! The first time when I looked closer to my vulva, to be honest, it wasn’t a pretty sight, it seemed weird, hairy, all bloody during my period, sometimes itchy, numb, you get the gist.
The love started with coconut oil massages, slow touches, taking care of her. After entering with my fingers, she was giving back much more than I ever could imagine. The relationship shipped from an aversion to admiration.
Start your journey with whole body massage, consciously relaxing your inner muscles, and soften into arising sensations.
Get off the goal and be curious
This is not a race, where a medal is an orgasm. It took me a while to stop chasing the finish line and start enjoying the trail. Once I told my partner, “so much work for nothing!” He looked confused, replying, “but I had a beautiful walk with you, my love.”
Breathing
I focus on my breath to calm the mind. It helps me to be fully present, observing every touch with a child’s curiosity, even if done for many times. I breathe deeply while my hands are examining every hidden point of my body. When unrelated thoughts appear, I bring awareness back to my breath.
Visualization
It starts in our heads. What really turns you on? (monthly juicy inspirations edition can give your imagination a hand 😉
I’m visual, if I dive in my fantasies or read something sexy, “I have to go.”
Do you get excited when someone dances sensually or whispers into your ears (auditory) or caresses you seductively (kinesthetic)?
Movement
I indulge my body with a song whenever it feels forgotten or neglected. It’s an immediate turn on and re-connection with myself, awaking my sexuality, my brain gets into mood. Get your juices going, let your hips express their real nature.
Sound
I was always quiet, being a “good girl” until I saw Meg Ryan faking her orgasm. Our society is full of “do not disturb” signs.
Do what feels right for you, express your inner wild woman (if your neighbors get angry, tell them to call me), slut or any erotic archetypes which resonate with you at the moment, but for mama’s sake, don’t fake it, ever.
Nowadays, I unleash that unpredictable, fascinating, natural animal inside me.
To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.Federico García Lorca
Energy
You don’t need to be “tantrika” to feel the energy flowing through your body. Especially during the excitement phase, we can feel the vibrations arising from our genitalia. It’s amazing when we can control it, then a solo practice becomes much more fun and orgasmic. Slow down, bring your senses to the game and be aware of whatever occurs. Follow that energy as you follow your pleasure. Creating and cultivating sexual energy is a huge advantage in life.
Intention
When a friend couldn’t kick in that creative energy, I asked her if she self-pleasures herself, she replied: “when I masturbate, I don’t feel fulfilled, and sometimes I feel bad for myself.”
If we are angry or sad and use masturbation as a quick relief, we won’t feel better, we will be resentful or sadder. It’s the same as with a glass of wine: if you have a drink to celebrate or want to spend a charming evening, the wine enhances the atmosphere. A different story plays out when you try to chug down that horrible break-up you’re going through.
What do you create during self-loving? I’m all in for love and joy!
Self-pleasuring is a ritual for me. It’s an inner dance between my body, mind, heart, and soul.
Few notes:
Blockades, shame, and guilt can come up as this is a natural part of getting to know ourselves. If you feel you need to talk to someone, you can make an appointment.
Orgasms vary, you can experience a release of emotions and that’s totally ok.
Drop the expectations of specific reactions to stimuli, we’re all unique.
Keep yourself at a simmering level as much as you can, you will dig gold.
An one way to connect with ourselves is looking into our own eyes.
I heard about crystal wands&jade eggs but didn’t try it yet, therefore let me know. 😉