Maybe you’ve read it somewhere. We have to learn how to love ourselves, accept ourselves unconditionally to be able to put our lives together, so we can love fully and be happier. Miracles can happen to us too.
Even the Bible says:
Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.Mark, 12:31 – The Greatest Commandment
Is there actually somebody focusing on the second part?
Investing in self-care without understanding how to love yourself is a waste of time & money.
So what is that self-love?
Self-love means devotion to yourself and your well-being first, at a time when others need you, self-love is about making choices. Say a clear NO when you don’t feel up to it or hate doing it. Yell a loud YES, when you’re in a mood and love making it.
Cultivation of self-love doesn’t mean to be selfish, it’s not being ignorant of your environment. The opposite, it supports awareness of your needs as a priority to fulfill them, to be able to give and love more. We cannot give a thirsty person an empty glass. Self-love means being honest with yourself and your surroundings. Only then you can provide a full glass, make people around you happier, and love them truly.
Self-love comes from inside. Can you hear it? It’s your intuition, senses, inner voice or soul talking to you. Follow it! You’ll know that you’re taking the right path in your life and you’ll believe in yourself.
Self-love is being present in your body. You don’t worry about what other people think. Don’t spend money you don’t have with people you don’t click, just to be popular. Self-love is recognizing the thoughts that limit us, being able to change them.
This all sounds fine, but how do you learn to love yourself? How can you trust yourself and live the life you always wanted? How to practice self-love?
This is a hard part as it’s not something that we learned from our parents or teachers (lucky you if you did). Nobody taught us how to nurture ourselves without falling into the trap of being selfish. We pack our feelings, emotions, soul, heart, all which is unreasonable into a heavy backpack and carry it within our lives. How to make it lighter?
1. Start being a friend with your mirror
A few days before the period I wake up, satisfyingly posing in front of a mirror saying loudly: Hmm, my peach sized boobs look bigger and juicy!
If I did something stupid and feel bad about it I apologize, and then I say to myself: I forgive you.
The moment when you make a hilarious joke, say to yourself, I’m going to eat you, Lady, you’re funny!
When getting out of the shower, say to the arms/hair/ankle they look beautiful. Don’t forget the toes, they get angry and grumpy if you don’t acknowledge them.
It’s about the love of yourself as a whole. That’s the main difference with self-esteem which comes from being proud of you and what you do. Self-love is an overall self-acceptance of who you are as a person.
Admire yourself by your standards! Mark this down and don’t get delusional by fake filtered photoshopped images around us.
It’s ok to say: You know, I feel miserable and I don’t care about self-love today, but I will try to do my best. We master things thanks to repetition like martial artists with their katas. It won’t work on the first day, maybe not even the first week. You will learn how to love yourself with discipline and practice, I know, it sounds boring, but it’s totally worthy.
Try this. It’s easier to love ourselves when we’re forgiven and loved.
- 1st step: Stand in front of the mirror and connect with yourself with closed eyes. Then look into your eyes and say loudly to whoever has to hear it: I’m sorry.
- 2nd step: Close your eyes and let it sink inside you. Open your eyes again and say aloud: I forgive you. You can follow that message to yourself or someone who needs to hear it.
- 3rd step: Contemplate the message for a moment and then with opened eyes say: I love you. Explore how it does feel in your heart.
- 4th step: The last sentence is saying with eyes open in front of the mirror: Thank you.
You can repeat those magical words as many times you need to hear them.
Just a note. Maybe it’s not healthy to worship yourself in front of the mirror more than 10 minutes, at least that’s one thing we learned watching Snowhite…
2. Inevitably, get rid of everything that says “you are not good enough”
Social media influencers who just push the idea that you’re not perfect till you don’t buy their product can go to hell. Take control over your feeds.
I was addicted to my daily dose of Instagram posts. I felt the pressure of not living my life fully compared to others. My body wasn’t good enough, and probably it will never be if I keep comparing myself to Laetitia Castas of this era. Stop! You’re perfect just the way you’re.
This also means stop spending time with people who enjoy themselves criticizing, judging and complaining about others. It does not help your personal development.
3. Learn how to listen to your intuition
It took me 10 years to start doing what my intuition was telling me all the way. It wasn’t an encrypted code for which you need a hacker to un-crack it. It communicates with me in a primitive way “IKEA instructions to build a shelf” kind of language.
I didn’t listen. I was afraid of what people would say and scared of doing it. I creatively came up with excuses on how not to follow my inner voice. I shut it down for a few years and I couldn’t get satisfied with my career path.
I’m finally doing it. It feels good, and I never felt so alive.
Try this. Next time when you have to make a decision, ask your 4 centers. Don’t get scared.
- 1st step: Ask your genitalia a simple question (they’re not the smartest) which can be answered with a YES or NO while placing your hands on them. Did you get an answer? This is your sexual energy speaking.
- 2nd step: Repeat the process with your tummy where your intuition is based. Continue with the same question.
- 3rd step: Ask your heart now. You can hear what your love and compassion have to say about the question.
- 4th and last step: Put your hands on the forehead, and ask your consciousness.
Do you have a unanimous answer? Go ahead.
Is it a split decision? Maybe you need to think it through.
Your body knows the answer, you just have to listen.
4. Embrace your emotions
Why do I feel so down? What am I craving for? Where did I spend all my energy?
Instead of saying “I’m stupid, why did I call him/her”, stop. What was the trigger of your actions? Why do you blame yourself?
It’s easy to love yourself when things are going well in life. This is just conditional self-love.
A few days ago, I had the call with my friend after a long time. After a couple of minutes, I honestly told her that I had been through something and she wasn’t there for me, as she never writes me first. I got surprised as she directly admitted it and started to apologize when I realized something.
I was blind. I blamed her instead of acknowledging how much I missed her, not taking action first neither and assuming that she owed me something. It’s easier to criticize someone than to recognize my own vulnerability. Remember, no one owes you anything.
Take responsibility for your feelings. Don’t get carried away with them. You’re not a sad person, you feel sad and that’s ok.
When I’m angry, pillow punching helps me a lot. It’s officially proved that is better than punching my husband.
When I feel up to cry, I watch a weepy movie or a compilation of America’s got talent most emotional moments (don’t judge me, I still cry watching Armageddon.)
By exploring your feelings you can learn how to love yourself unconditionally, don’t bottle them up.
5. You need a reminder
You can wear a pin or send yourself one message per day: Hey S, it’s me. I just wanted to tell you how much I love you. Your smile makes me beautiful. With love, S.
6. Find a buddy
My friend, after reading this pointed out: It’s easier to learn self-love when you’re loved and surrounded by people who adore you. Though it’s difficult when you go through challenging times, break-ups, struggling with family problems, etc.
It has to come from you, but it doesn’t mean that you have to do it alone or just by yourself.
Find a mate with whom you praise each other, not in a narcissistic way but acknowledging each other. We need to hear that we’re great, we desire that pat on the back. It feels good to know that there is someone who is guarding you.
7. Ask for praise
If there is nobody complimenting you on your successes, demand it politely. Ask for acknowledgment. We don’t praise out of the blue. We have to request recommendations on our LinkedIn profiles from people.
I spent hours re-doing my friend’s profile on the platform. After a week, he mentioned, “hey I have 53 search appearances more on LinkedIn than before”. I had to say, “hey, thanks to who?” – “Oh yes, thanks a lot, you did a great job!”
Conclusion
Don’t rely that someone else, a prince on a unicorn or a pole dancer, will fulfill that empty spot. It’s a dead end. The dancer will run away riding the unicorn with the prince tied on the back. If we don’t love ourselves, we tend to demand that love from others. We are suspicious, jealous and judgmental.
Unleash that Goddess or Hero, it’s time for transformation!
Love yourself and you’ll inspire people around you to do the same.