I have never tried that before, so I think I should definitely be able to do that.Astrid Lindgren, Pippi Longstocking
What did you miss in sex education at school? (If you actually had any.)
It depends on where you were born and whether your parents were open about the topic. In my case, sex education lasted about half a day, with girls and boys divided into separate rooms. The whole lecture was focused on menstruation, how to use a condom and they didn’t forget to mention that only heterosexual way is the right path. We received a few words about sexual diseases, and if you have sex before marriage, you risk an unwanted pregnancy, which ruins your life, and you end up in hell. You guess I was raised in a strict catholic environment. After the lecture, I felt much more confused with one more message, that sex is dangerous and immoral.
Fortunately, today, sex is less taboo, and much information can be found online. However, there is still a lack of basic facts available on how to communicate about sex, how to determine the boundaries or that sex is about joy, and self-pleasure is perfectly fine. The knowledge we acquire in childhood or adolescence is then transferred to adult relationships. What information would I like to have received during sex education?
1. Being naked is perfectly fine.
I don’t have to be ashamed of my body.
2. Masturbation is the best tool for getting to know my body.
It is a way to connect with ourselves, to take better care of our temple, and to gain ownership of our own body so that we can better define our boundaries.
Self-pleasure helps to attain trust and joy, which are the keys to building intimacy with the future partner.
The right moment is when we are alone, we have time to discover our bodies, and my room serves as a sacred place for this purpose.
3. I can set boundaries.
They create a healthy relationship and a safe space in which I can relax. I can say NO at any time, it’s okay, MAYBE means NO. Abstinence is my choice. Honesty is welcome.
Our boundaries have been crossed since childhood, our parents forced us to hug or kiss uncles, aunts, grandparents, and people that maybe we did not want to kiss/hug. This makes it harder to establish them later. If this was not the case, maybe we’d not end kissing people we don’t want.
Examples: I don’t want to have penetrative sex. I want us to stay together after lovemaking. I don’t want you to touch me around the anus, etc.
4. I can give consent.
Consent is when all parties voluntarily and consciously say yes or no to any kind of sexual interaction. I respect the wishes of others, and if I’m not sure, I’ll ask. I ask for permission before I touch someone or want to enter/penetrate them. Alcohol or drugs influence my decision, and I can’t give my full consent in that state. They affect what I feel and distort reality.
5. Love and trust are the foundation of every sexual act.
It doesn’t mean being crazy in love, but it’s more about mutual respect, like in a friendship.
6. Lovemaking or sex is:
- about pleasure, joy, playfulness, fun, curiosity, and exploration
- a healthy, beautiful, and delicious way to connect with another person, to create intimacy, and to feel good
- the best when taken slowly
- about being with that person, here and now
- messy
- it includes oral sex, massages, masturbation, vaginal penetration, etc.
- is not only for a person who receives but also for the person who gives
- connection of sexual beings
7. Lovemaking or sex is NOT:
- about the best technique available on the market
- chasing the goal and reaching orgasm
- not only about procreation
8. Communication is needed before, during, and after sex.
I ask for what I want, how I want to be touched, whether I want to change rhythm or direction. We assume that others think the same way or know exactly what we like. But to say at the outset how we want the lovemaking to take place, what we desire, and what turns us on, is a gift to a partner. They no longer have to guess, they can rely on us to say what we dislike or what we enjoy. It brings relaxation and much more joy.
9. Sexuality is fluid, and same-sex attraction is normal.
Exploring with the same gender doesn’t make me different. We use labels that don’t identify us.
10. Menstruation is sacred.
The first period is the moment to celebrate when a girl becomes a woman, and this little woman has the right to be informed and decide what products available on the market, such as a menstrual cup, cotton pads, special impervious underwear, etc. she can use.
11. Yes, I’ll need to use protection to have safe sex,
and yes, if I’m not careful, I can get pregnant. My parents trust me to make a conscious decision. I can choose from many different types of protections or contraception.
12. The context of sexuality in our culture is twisted,
and online media provide a distorted image of people and their sexuality. Porn doesn’t involve love or communication, it’s more about mechanics and unhealthy connection.
13. I’d like a proper lesson of visual anatomy!
I wish that someone would tell me that every penis or vulva is different, healthy, normal, unique, and beautiful. How to use a mirror to get to know my genitalia and identify my clitoris, labia, etc. How my genitals change over life, how to keep them clean, and how the body works.
We, parents, educators are leading by example. Children follow us, and they spot the difference when we work on our issues, are connected to our bodies or vice versa, we feel shame about nudity or making love. It starts with us. Children are not stupid. The question is not when is the right time or what is the right age for a conversation or how much time to reserve, but how to include sex education as part of our lives.
Don’t hide lovemaking, explain to your children that sex is about connecting, and creating intimacy with another human being. When children come up with questions, ANSWER THEM, it builds healthy curiosity and responsibility in them. It also creates a deeper connection with your kids, they can trust you, and see that you’re sincere, authentic, and can turn to you in the future. Kids won’t have sex earlier just because we teach them about it! Avoiding these conversations or providing false information leads to fear, shame, and lack of trust. If you don’t have an answer to the question, admit it. Otherwise, they will look for their answers somewhere else.
What is your experience? How did you approach sex education, and what questions did your children ask you?