Note: partnerships and relationships are both risky businesses, but the first means an intentional commitment.
Outsourcing is the practice of hiring the third party to perform services and create goods that were done in-house to free up resources that can be redirected to new or existing projects.
It makes sense for things we’re not able to do or don’t have the time to spend on. Switching from tedious tasks creates space for more engaging pursuits. Redirecting demanding work to experts saves costs, increases quality and brings efficiency. Outsourcing optimizes growth if done smartly.
When outsourcing is not such a good idea
One of the biggest myths I grew up with was: “you need to find your other half of (orange or apple) to be complete.” What sounds even more diluting: “I will become that person who I always wanted to be once I meet the right person.”
We’re whole human beings ALREADY.
Before we hold our loved ones accountable for our own dilemmas, let’s think about whether we can take care of them ourselves.
Binding Love
“Wait for a second, she should give me love.” If we don’t strengthen our self-love curriculums, we tend to demand affection from others. By building this dependency, we create a debt with the highest rate of interest.
The truth is that our love account should be full or at least to pay our minimum expenses, to be able to provide to others. Self-love can be learned with persistent practice. Being tender to ourselves, smiling at us in front of a mirror. Say things like, “it’s OK, even if I screw up, I still love myself because I’m doing my best.” Self-worth is not built by unicorns, rather integrates a daily self-awareness, containing the whole being, its shadows, emotions, pain, joy, light.
Great love requires commitment. Commitment starts with you. Stop obsessing over someone else committing before you’re kicking ass at following through on the small micro commitments you make with yourself. The strength of any love story can only be as strong as your ability to trust yourself as someone you can count on to consistently follow through.Kelsey Grant
In-house Love-making
This is kind of obvious if the agreement inside partnership is no different. If we agree on sexual exclusiveness, it is reasonable to specify what does it actually mean for both of us.
Is talking to my ex ok or should I check with you first? Is hanging out with female colleague cool or do I need your consent? If I feel affection towards someone else, I will talk to you about it.
If we want to perform love-making fully in-house, we should have an honest conversation about our sexual desires and willigness to explore.
What is my motivation for sex? Is there any pain I feel during penetration? Can I get rid of goals or expectations and focus on curious research without agenda? Do I know my body well to be able to tell my partner what and how I want to be touched? Can you support me if I want to explore an uncommon area? Do I wait for a partner’s invitation to penetrate her?
Note: We have not been taught how to express our desires in bed. If you need help to go through this conversation, reach out therapist or coach.
Own Pleasure
What if we are accountable for our own pleasure? How does it sound? Is it easier to blame someone else to not being able to enjoy my experience? We all have unique preferences, we like to be touched differently. Let’s release our partners from a burden of not being able to satisfy us.
Our bodies are full of wisdom, they give back what makes sense in given circumstances. We’re disconnected from them while placing all attention to our heads. We push beyond the body’s edge by sitting long hours without moving, pumping in caffeine to keep it alive.
By harnessing our own pleasure, we take power back. How can I be sexual at my own terms? It’s enough to adapt to our lifestyles, even 5 minutes a day to connect to our bodies makes a difference. Upgrading to giving instead of taking, gently touching or hugging myself, dancing, shaking it, walking barefoot, staring at art or whatever our rituals are. How does it feel in my body?
Our bodies deserve a celebration for the daily job done.
Natural Boundaries
Imagine a river. When water goes in its own, already-designated, naturally-occurring boundary, it’s an untamed, wild and scenic flow. If suddenly those limits are destroyed, the river pours out, it becomes flooded and flat, apparently still.
Boundaries create a safe incubator where we can grow securely and expand into something greater.
If I set limits in a bedroom for tonight, we both respect and honor them, then I am much more relaxed, able to surrender, free in my unique sexual expression. There is no need for pleasing or saying yes, just because I feel I should. Boundaries open possibilities and build trust.
Emotional Responsibility
The idea of hiring someone who deals with my cyclic chaos sounds engaging. My moods, feelings, emotions, actions, decisions are competency of my partner. I feel sad because you upset me, I burned lunch because you distracted me, I chose that job because you told me. Really?
Taking full responsibility brings maturity. We learn how to act and decide from a place of consciousness. We find out how much power and control we have over our lives.
Safety Net
Security for most of us represents home, relationship, family, career, financial stability. It creates a feeling of belonging, yet once those things are gone, once our kids grow up and they don’t need us anymore, once we lose job where we have been for 10 years, the house of cards falls apart as we placed all security in external sources.
Fears of being abandoned, loneliness, traumas from childhood are pulling us to seek a safe container outside us, rather than inside. We are afraid to lose someone who never belonged to us. We often hold to non-functioning relationships because of those fears.
How can I find a safe space inside me? How can I connect to my inner resources of security?
Rockin time
Technologies are excellent at keeping us busy, pushing towards fulfilling others’ demands. Is there any spot available in my to-do list for myself?
Giving our projects, dreams, creative work, needs, hobbies to someone else doesn’t bring efficiency neither cuts costs. Taking time for things that matter to us and we like to do, increases our quality of life and its fulfillment.
Once we respect time for ourselves, we will also appreciate the time of other people.
United Time
Emotional connection is essential to sexual union. Laughing together, being naked or having undistracted dinner time build a strong bond and intimacy.
Renouncing that time to Netflix, scrolling social media, spending it with other just to not being alone together will soon end up in breach of contract.
Smaller daily investments are more profitable than a huge purchase once a month. This makes it’s easier to stay connected than to catch up once in a while.
Confidential talks
With my partner, we agreed on not sharing stuff related to us to the world before talking to each other first. By complaining to my friends what my partner does or doesn’t do, I’m draining the energy out. None of my friends is dating my partner (polyamory is a different topic), which means they don’t get the whole picture.
Our partners don’t know what to do or what do we want if we don’t tell them. How is he supposed to guess what’s going on in my head?
Let’s release the loved ones from the dark mysterious prison by telling them directly what we want. Things like: “he should know, she never/always does this” are harmful and don’t go anywhere.
When outsourcing is a good idea
We are asking from one person what an entire village used to provide, from seeking physical safety to seeking more sophisticated forms of self-actualization.Esther Perel
In a partnership as in business, we negotiate. By creating rules that empower both of us, we’re moving the direction we want to go.
Coach/Therapist (human resources)
Placing the responsibility on our partner’s shoulders to achieve our goals brings a critical shift in dynamics which has serious side effects such as loss of intimacy, balance, sexual desire.
It’s more efficient to work on our stuff and personal development with a professional who does a better job.
Buddy (social connections)
Sometimes it happens that the partner is also the best friend. This is fabulous, but assigning all kind of issues (about our cycles or what-could-happen-football-scenarios) entirely on a partner is the path to bankruptcy.
Brother or sisterhoods can create a space where we support, encourage, inspire each other and especially understand the topics.
Financial duties
If we’re struggling to get to the end of the month, it’s time to cut costs and find someone who can deal with our finances. Financial stability is crucial in partnership to achieve objectives as building a dream home, traveling the world, investing in education or any unexpected event.
Manufacture outsourcing
It’s great if we can do stuff around the house, but help from a carpenter, plumber, IT technician saves plenty of time for more pleasurable activities and enables focus on partnership. If we fill up the time by many different activities rather than spending time together, it can be a signal, that there is something needed to be attended.
Content creation
Our projections, doubts, comparisons, manipulative techniques, excuses, blaming, prejudices, criticism, I-know-the-answer-why-bother-asking attitude, our own made-up stories not based on facts have to go. This is not internet where we are bombarded with new (usually boring and not giving us much) content.
Final note:
Being present and curious solve a lot of things. Enjoying the moment instead of focusing on a goal. Encouragement, asking questions, acknowledgment and compliments open new paths and possibilities, while criticism, prejudices, and projections do exactly the opposite. Exploring if we’re aligned physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sexually before committing. The partnership should respect and inspire both of us.