My communication skills are…, let’s say they need some work. Especially in challenging situations, such as discussing who will wash the dishes (thankfully, we already have an agreement for that), how often should we engage in lovemaking, in which country are we going to live. I used to fight until blood was spilled, while we were going in a loop with my partner, probably because of my ego, so here is a little guidance on how to avoid breaking plates/walls and/or a silent household, that I learned after some years.
- DISTRACTIONS OFF. Turn your phone, TV, everything annoying off before starting a conversation to be fully present and be able to listen to what the other person is saying.
- START WITH “I”. “I feel this way about that….”,”I need…” rather than “You are……….”, “You did…… “ Expressing how it affects myself is relevant, insightful and create a space for conversation rather than commencing with a blaming attack.
- DELETE ALWAYS and NEVER from your vocabulary. It doesn’t help the conversation, and it kills any potential solution. Saying, “you always do that” or “you never initiate a date” (I used that a lot) is hurtful, and basically, it’s not true. What about, “I adored when we used to have a date every Saturday, I felt loved and wanted. Are you up to something special next week?”
- TALK SPECIFICS. Don’t dig again in that dark hole called past. Describe what is happening now, be precise about the situation that bothers you.
- GET RID OF THE MR./MRS. ALWAYS RIGHT. In a discussion, I would not stop arguing until the other person would be so exhausted as to admit that I was right, so we could move on. Did I feel good afterwards? You guess. The triumphant moment passed with the speed of a falling star, and only bitterness followed. It is not crucial who is right, in the end. We need to put aside our little egos.
- BE HUMBLE. Instead of assuming you know all the answers and that all revolves around you, TELL yourself, “I don’t know”. This opens up many possibilities, where you can see your partner’s perspective. Why is it that he sees it that way? What is it that bothers him/her so much?
- SAY NO and YES with GRACE. There are things we do not want to compromise on. Take time to think about it, before confirming/declining rather than changing your mind at the last moment, or regretting your decision.
- BE KIND. It can be astonishing the way we talk to our partners. We use words that we would never use for other people or in a public setting. Be polite in a discussion, even when it heats up. Appreciate your partner’s opinions. “Please”, “I’m sorry”, “Thank you”, should be part of the conversation.
- TAKE BREAKS. Give each other space. If you feel you are in a loop without heading to the solution or opening old wounds, stop. Use a “safe word” (let’s run, I need a break, Popocatepetl) and spend 20 minutes apart or together to calm down, doing something else. Go for a silent walk or wash dishes and after, come back to the conversation. Your heartbeat is back to normal which means you can think clearly again.
- AVOID CRITICISM, SUPERIORITY, EYE-ROLLING, DEFENSIVENESS, BLAMING. We don’t even realize that we’re doing all this. If you or your partner notice one of these signs, go to point 9.
- SILENCE IS OK. It’s powerful to reflect on what was said, don’t break it.
- LET THEM FINISH. When my partner talks about things, I immediately think about what I would do, what kind of advice he needs, without even hearing the whole story. “Understanding must precede advice.” Truly listen and be there. Avoid phrases like “I think you should”, “why don’t you try this.”
- Bonus – TAKE YOUR PARTNER SIDE. There are a few situations when you need to side with your partner no matter what. Your mother lectures/criticises him/her on how to raise your kids?. Your friends are making fun of him/her? Take your partner side. It builds togetherness.