Spectatoring means getting stuck in your head and losing attention during sex before connecting with a partner and enjoying the moment, not allowing yourself to relax and focus purely on the feelings and sensations in the body. Does it happen to you too?
The first step in working with distracting/wandering thoughts is identifying where they come from. Are they related to work, family, self-interests, etc? “Am I making a list for tomorrow’s meeting?”, “What to prepare children for breakfast?”, “How many likes did my post get?”
Is there an inner critic who fills the mind with anxiety and doubts about me? “I’m not good enough”, “Will I be able to perform well?” “I don’t know what I’m doing,” “I’m failing,” “How do I look?” “Am I attractive to him/her?”, “Am I doing the right thing?”
When we name and identify ideas/thoughts, we can then work with them.
For distractions, I need to look at what my triggers are. Is it a mess in the room? Vibrating cell phones?
These have simple solutions, to clean up before we want to have sex or leave the cell phone out of the bedroom and/or leave it airplane mode.
In matters related to a job, it helps establish a ritual and train how to disconnect work from private life. Can I set aside time to turn off my cell phone? Can I set up a ritual when I leave “work at work” and switch? (Helpful activities are walking, exercising, cooking, painting, etc.)
What helps a lot is the training of mindfulness, initially outside the bedroom, so that we can subsequently apply it to intimate life. How to do it practically?
Engage the senses in daily activities like “When I eat, I only eat”, “when I watch Netflix, I just watch Netflix” (not at the same time). And speaking of eating, take time to feel the scent that the food offers, to savour the taste that develops with each bite.
Try to bring more awareness into what you do and to what surrounds you.
Another simple one-minute mindfulness workout is that the next time you go for a walk or travel to work, try to find one thing that you can focus on. It can be a building, a tree, or a flower. Note the shape of the object, its structure, how it interconnects with other objects, the overall look or smell. If you would take a picture of the subject, what would the photo look like, from what angle would you like to take it? In the end, notice how you paid attention to the subject.
Will you try to train it for the next walk and then apply it to your intimate life? It is about slowing down, stopping, and appreciating what is going on right now.
Meditation can also help a lot. If you have not found a reason to meditate yet, being present in sex and enjoy it to the fullest can be a good one. Being attentive during sex helps us stay in presence and attention in erotic moments, thus reducing the disturbing cognitive noise that prevents sexual arousal and pleasure.
Set your expectations. The truth is that it is impossible to be present and focused one hundred percent. Thoughts are there and will be. In other words, don’t fight distraction, but admit it is there. You can say something like: “Okay, I’m thinking about this and that again. Now I want to focus on having this time with my partner.”
It also helps to talk in your head about what’s going on: “Now she/he runs their hand down my thigh. Now they are spreading my legs apart. I’m touching their chest.”
This trick helps the brain focus on the sex itself and what’s going on. Or you can comment on your body’s reactions: “Now I can feel my breath. I can feel my heart pounding. I feel their smell.” It is like writing your erotica.
It also helps to share what I experience with the person I love. “I can’t concentrate, can you tell me how you touch me, how you feel? How do you want to love me?”
Another technique is to focus on your breath and divert attention to your body. After acknowledging the disruptive thought, take several deep breaths and imagine that you are sending this breath to specific parts of the body. The more you feel in tune with your body, the more you will remain in the present.
Practicing mindfulness during sex allows you to fully immerse yourself and focus only on the physical sensations in your body. If you feel disturbing thoughts coming to your mind, take a deep breath and let them float away. Accept that these ideas are natural and leave them without judgement.
And you can still try eye contact. If you notice that your mind is running away from that moment, look your partner in the eye.
Thoughts affect not only whoever has them, but also the person we are with. Our partner can notice whether you are present or not. Then it can trigger another sequence of thoughts inside them about their performance, appearance or relationship. When we speak out loud, we can release the atmosphere and show our vulnerability, which opens the gates to deeper intimate connection and better quality sex.
That’s why in a healthy sex relationship we need to talk to each other about how we’re feeling and the anxieties we’re facing. Talk before / during / after sex. Only ourselves can give the other person a “guide to us in bed.” We know what we need, what is doing us good, and what is not.
A possible unwanted sexual experience in the past may have led to a lack of self-confidence or other performance issues. Problems with the image of the body, the appearance of the penis, or concerns about sexual insufficiency may make it difficult for you to relax. Try to solve the problem together. If this does not work, it is a sign of courage and strength to find an expert who can help with the topic to have the sexual experience and intimate life how you want it to be.